Tuesday, October 30, 2007

My Post on "Yes I'm A Submissive Man!" Blog

The content below was posted on John's blog and thus far got a couple encouraging replies from readers. This influenced my decision to start this, my own blog.

My comments reference a Craigslist rant that I posted here as my previous entry. That was the rant that John, the blog author of Yes I'm A Submissive Man, contacted me regarding. It has been the path that lead me here.


This comment is not about your latest entry specifically. I recently discovered your blog when you wrote to me regarding my rant on Craigslist about the unsatisfying results of a M4W I posted in which I mentioned that I had sensual, sexual submissive tendencies.

I have a feeling I am not a sub, but perhaps more of a top from the bottom type who is looking for a unique, confident woman interested in engaging in a sort of hybrid relationship. I seem to have a natural inclination to want to, at the very least, treat women fairly and equally. I am also open to do things for them that will be helpful and pleasing. I am sexually turned on by the idea of feminine sexual power and clearly desirous to go through certain rituals and acts which in a perfect world are within the context of a very emotionally and psychologically intimate, private interdependent connection between us that allows me to worship and serve, and in this way, get my own needs met while meeting hers. That seems to be the rub. Why is it so difficult to break through these established, and in my view limited, roles of the dominant woman and the submissive man? Or is it me and I am just barking up the wrong tree?

Too often the expectation and image is one of male subservience without regard to his feeling or needs whatsoever and too often it is involves women that seem to have an enjoyment and proclivity to cruelty and humiliation. Why is this? Why is it not possible to have a loving relationship on relative equal terms with a confident, passionate, compassionate woman with a strong personality who at times enjoys intimacy that plays out her dominance without cruelty and my submissiveness without sissification and lack of value? It could be more than just role play and greater than the stereotypes of domme/ sub relationships. But it seems that every time I try to find a woman to explore something like this with I end up in a predictable situation.

As I stated in my Craigslist rant, one respondent wrote to me with a single line of "How will I know you are worthy of Me?" Again, as I ranted, this whole thing about capitalization of all references to her and lower case of all references to me is downright silly and embarrassing to both of us...or it should be. In my reply to her absurd response I said, "You will know I am worthy of you the same way I know you are worthy of me...we will have to meet and get to know each other." To this she went ballistic and accused me of being some sort of fraud as a sub. I never stated that I was a lifestyle sub looking for a pro or lifestyle domme. It just seems laughably absurd to me to think that I (or anyone else with submissive tendencies or desires, both male or female) would just blindly respect someone sight unseen who would write such a question and somehow expect some kind of uncritical devotion. It's pathetic.

I don't have a problem meeting women. But I have accepted that based on a few fleeting experiences I have had, that I want something more along the lines of a submissve male role when it comes to intimacy. And that isn't necessarily all the time...some time, perhaps most of the time, but it involves all manner of sexual enjoyment between a man and a woman including some Tantric practices. The major problem is that unless somehow I put this all out there up front, most of the women I encounter are pretty vanilla, not overly communicative and don't seem receptive to this sort of thing. Maybe I need to find one who is teachable and figure out how to sense and tap into a vanilla woman's potential dominant side, even if it is just within the context of erotic play and intimacy.

What is possibly so wrong with a guy who respects women in general, clearly sees them as equal and wants to engage submissively with them sexually, to expect something resembling a normal, respectful, mutually enjoyable courtship? If all I wanted was to play out some fantasy unrelated to true love, respect, desire and devotion I could just pay some professional. In which case they just became my whore, being paid to play a part they know or think I desire. THAT is disrespectful to women in my view.

Perhaps all this is leading me to some kind of understanding that I am not really submissive at all and what I think is respect for women and a desire for a relationship with a strong confident playful woman is nothing more that a need to find a woman with similar sexual kinks. But somehow to me it is more than that. I really want to be connected to her. I really want to please her and her me. I want a full blown totally dimensional love with an open minded, sexually liberated woman who appreciates a man on his knees looking up into her eyes. A woman who is turned on by a guy will tenderly and devotedly adore her with his fingers, tongue, lips, body, and most of all words, heart and soul as we engage in the most intimate of acts, including the underlying meta messages of what they mean between us. A woman who knows that I know that when she takes me in her mouth, she is in total control. A woman who understands that I am not an interchangeable part and that in the delicious unbalance of power, intimacy and relationship there is mutual need, desire and dependence. I want her to want me for me as I want her for her, based on her heart, soul, personality and that all elusive thing called chemistry that flows between us like it does with no other.

I'm a masculine man. I'm not afraid of vulnerability. I am open to play and do lots of things that would please women. I don't want to be emasculated in the process. I do want to know that I can be vulnerable and let her explore that. I also would tenderly cherish any vulnerability that she cared to reveal and express. The pleasures of surrender cut both ways. She can top from the bottom too. If only I can find her.

Since you have lots of women reading this blog, perhaps some would be generous enough to offer observations and feedback. Maybe I should just start a different blog of my own to explore this and forge a whole new area of less easily classified romantic dynamic.

Anyway, thanks for your blog, thanks for letting me post this. Thanks in advance to any and all sincere and constructive comments.


Elysium said...

I'm surprised no one has commented in so many months, but felt I should add my two cents.

You are not alone. I completely identify with every single word and sentiment you have written about in your post. Exactly.

It seems the dynamic of a submissive man has been twisted and taken advantage of by many selfish, emotionally unevolved women.

It also brushes too closely with the culturally and socially misguided notion that submission equates to weakness and weakness is despicable. There seems to be an inability to reconcile the fact that a man can be strong in his submission and also desirable despite sometimes showing vulnerability.

The weakness, I believe, is in the fear to show any vulnerability. And how many of these supposed dominant women are utterly afraid of ever letting go, showing vulnerability and letting a submissive man lovingly nurture her in those times of 'weakness'? And how many understand that a relationship is about giving and receiving and that men have emotional needs as well, which are not necessarily met by constant humiliation and emasculation (although such may represent a fetish it does not preclude all other emotional needs).

What of the archetype of the noble, loyal knight, serving his queen? Valued and respected for his dedication. Loved, even. Is it so hard to imagine a blossoming romance in such a scenario?

It is my opinion that it is the rare, emotionally and spiritually evolved and progressive woman that can fully appreciate such a relationship dynamic. I know they exist, but it saddens me that such women are in such short supply.

Mayna said...

Hi, I'm new to blogging so excuse me if I'm not doing this 'right'. I'm feeling really puzzled right now by something. I am an attractive mid-30's woman who recently met a very confident and successful man with whom I really connected. We started spending more time together and it wasn't long before our conversations took a sexual tone at times. He shared with me, without actually saying it, that he wants to submit himself to me sexually. Now, I have always been a submissive woman; ok maybe now & then I would act slightly aggressive by taking a certain action, but nothing more. I like this man very much and want to be close to him and share this type of intimacy, but I have no clue how to act, what to say, how to turn him on and keep it going.

Last night we were together, and things fizzled cold as quickly as they started. I am a very sexual woman and have never had this happen to me, where a man was instantly turned off amidst... I believe it may have been because I fell into my regular role of allowing the man to take charge, but again, as silly as it seems, I truly have no idea how to engage him, how to talk to him to let him know I am totally into it, and how to make him feel what he needs to feel. I could be wrong, but I feel I may have totally lost his interest now over what happened last night. I want to share this with him, nurturing and supporting his desire to be submissive, and would like very much to have this type of relationship with him....but oh do I need major guidance. Please help me!!

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Meeting Women In Bars said...

It could be more than just role play and greater than the stereotypes of domme/ sub relationships.

Hayley said...

I couldn't agree with you more.. on the opposite side of things. I am a kind and considerate Domme and can't help but attract those that want to be verbally degraded. I guess I wasn't born with that bone in my body.

I respect my subs the same way they respect me. Their needs are just as important as mine.

Alpha said...

I'm just like Hayley. Naturally dominant, submissive men gravitate towards me, have been the Domme before I even knew the vocabulary of what that was. I'm not cruel, and it would feel like they wanted me to love them less.
My preference @ dommelove.tumblr.com