Tuesday, October 30, 2007

My Craigslist Rant Which Lead Me To This

Below is the original rant I placed on CL recently. From this I was contacted by the man whose blog inspired me to create this one. I have a feeling that I will explore some of these issues in depth and refer to this in the process so I figured I should just get it out now.

The bottomline was that I had and have only open positive intentions with such a search and it is frustrating that it is so difficult. Some dominant women or presumably dominant ones talk a good game, but then send confusing signals and don't seem sincere about actually meeting and embarking on a relationship. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm attracting the wrong women, but man, why does it have to be so hard just to have a phone conversation or a cup of coffee?

* If you get to the bottom you will see that at the time of posting I had a coffee date scheduled with the last one to play out. We met; had coffee. I would say there weren't massive sparks flying. She seemed rather mild mannered in look and lifestyle. For fun she knits. Nothing wrong with that, but somehow that along with everything else, I think she was attracted to my original post (which I will try to find and post) but ignored my casual references to my sensual, sexual submissive tendencies and desires. It may have been way too subtle. I think my references to wanting a relationship of equals was the main attraction. Is it really this hard to have some basic equality in a romantic relationship between a man and a woman?

Anyway, regarding that only date...she said she'd like to see me again and that she will contact me after she returns from an out of town trip she was about to go on. We'll see. The sad part though is that if she does or she doesn't contact me again, it won't really matter either way. I guess that should be telling me something.


Online dating is great! I recently ran a M4W personal on CL. I understand from some of the women who responded that mine was not typical - meaning it was well written, spell checked, devoid of clich├ęs regarding me, my interests and the usual list of physical attributes a partner needed to have and be (or wouldn’t have and wouldn’t be). Instead I asked only for modest elements of intellect, passion, compassion and the desire to be in a relationship. Although there wasn't an inordinate emphasis on sex I also was upfront about my proclivity to being at times somewhat of a sensual sexual submissive, and I invited woman to respond who might appreciate such characteristics in a guy and enjoy sometimes playing out the dominant role. My M4W was heartfelt, honest, cogent and giving in terms of sincerity and emotional consciousness and vulnerability.

Knowing that it wasn't the usual M4W and that I am looking for someone other than the run of the mill, I was satisfied that I got about 10 replies. Here, in no particular order of priority are the results:

Lifestyle Domme #1 - She replied with a simple one liner: "How will I know you are worthy of Me?" What's up with that capitalization of all references to Herself and lower case in all references to me? Do they teach that in Domme School? Am I supposed to really be in awe of a complete stranger who says She's in charge, just because She knows how to use the shift key?

I should have just deleted such an absurd response, but foolishly I replied with what I thought was a reasonable answer stating that “You would know (if I’m worthy) the same way I'll know that You are worthy of me. We'll have to meet and get to know each other." To this see angrily accused me of being shallow, some kind of amateur and a phony! I don't know what she expected. I never said I was a lifestyle sub looking for a lifestyle Domme. My personal didn't include anything about using and abusing me without regard to my needs, feelings or desires and for her to assume She can do so regardless of whether or not I have a snail's crawls worth of attraction to her.

The sub - she (notice I use lower case now with subs) wrote that my M4W had tapped into her own unexplored feelings of submissiveness. In her very first response she asked if since we both expressed submissive desires if this made us "star-crossed lovers," implying that we were ill fated. My first thought was, why would you respond to a M4W as if you were potentially interested in pursing it if you knew that person wasn't what you wanted? But since this whole world of BDSM (lite by the way, at least in my case) and related matters can be a little open to interpretation I suggested that if there was chemistry between us it might work to the extent that I had been in a dominant role at times and enjoyed it and a lot of these dynamics are a matter of point of view anyway, meaning people "top from the bottom" at times. Anyway, we went on an email exchange that lasted a little over a month just trying to negotiate an initial phone call and first meeting. When I suggested a phone call she told me she had been on a recent CL date that she described as disturbing, and rather than give me her phone number she asked for mine, which of course I gave to her. She continued to tell me she would call "that night" and the next day after no call I usually got an email explaining why she didn't call. Reasons ranged from being in a bad space after watching a sad show about abused animals to being tired (she'd been through a recent little surgery, the extent of which and required recovery from she never clearly stated), to her telling me that she tried to call and left messages. When I told her I never received any messages she asked me if I gave her the right number. In the course of these "attempts" she asked me to send my number again, which I did, in fact I sent it 3 times, all correct, and she claims to have left messages which I never received even though other people had, so I know my phone voice mail was functioning. In several of her emails to me she again suggested that perhaps we were "star-crossed" and when the calls didn't work out she implied that it wasn't a good sign. Yet she wanted to keep the exchanges going! I played along, encouraging her and trying to work it out, but after a month and about 30 emails exchanged I'd had enough. I sent her an email telling her to forget it, to which she copped an attitude with me telling me I had her all wrong! “How so exactly?” I asked. A month of exchanges; a phone number given to her 3 times and every opening to contact me and every invitation for a coffee date and she couldn't pull it together?! Unbelievable, literally!

Lifestyle Domme #2 - I have run a CL M4W maybe 3 times in the last year in an attempt to meet someone. This Woman answered all three. The first time She responded with a long email that I thought was written to me personally. In it She told me how interested She was in me, and what our relationship would be like, etc. The first time after about a dozen exchanges over the course of a few weeks She informed me that I blew it because I wasn't assertive enough with pursuing Her. I asked Her out...I don't know what she wanted. Her emails were self centered and self-aggrandizing, referring to how valuable Her time is, how special She is and how many men out here would die for the chance to be her "chosenman." So, She abruptly blew me off the first time.

A few months later when I ran the 2nd M4W She wrote back again because She was obviously again attracted to my writing and somehow Her Desirableness (that’s a title) was still available and on the man market. BUT this time, it was the same initial email she sent before! It was a fucking CANNED response - complete with how She is SO interested in ME, and running through fantasy scenarios of how it will be when I am with her, etc., etc. I used a different email address this time so I played along, this time being clearly assertive about wanting to meet her and how interested I was in her. This time she blew me off for coming on too strong with requests to meet! I can't win with this Broad! THEN, She accused me of plagiarism, probably because I am able to write a cohesive paragraph and I probably used part of my own first post. This from a woman who sent me a "sub response" form letter! THE KICKER was She wrote to me a 3RD TIME! This, after I had told Her to just assume any M4W posts that are intelligently written and talk of being a sensual sub or switch, are probably me and please DON'T waste MY time again.

The Swan (Swan was part of her email address, like jennytheswan) - This woman wrote, wanted to know all about me - blah, blah, blah. We went through the endless email getting to know you dance for about a month. I started asking to meet early on and finally, we are talking about it and she asks for a picture (mind you, I haven't asked any of them for a picture). I sent it. She said she loved it; I had character. Great! Then I didn't hear from her again when we left it that we were going to make a date to meet. So after a few days I sent her an email asking if "my photo with all that character meant, not interested?" She wrote back saying that wasn't the case, but she was now seeing someone she was fond of and if it didn't work out she'd get back to me! WELL, THANK YOU! I'LL SIT HERE AND WAIT! She ended that email with, "Ain't online dating a bitch?" Great double entendre I thought.

However I couldn't resist asking how it was that a week ago you are asking me to tell you all kinds of things about myself (even more than before) and for a photo, but yet days later you are seeing someone so seriously that you won't even meet me, the guy with all the character that you had so much in common with, for coffee? Guess online amour is just that fickle. A mere week before he looked like a “no starter,” now they are very fond of each other. Suspiciously she made sure to tell me that "she doesn't lie." I never accused her of lying. What I was implying was that she was using me as consolation guy if the other didn't work out. You can imagine how special I felt.

The Kinkster - This woman wrote to me and immediately sent me a photo. She was potentially decent looking even though it was one of those distance shots with sunglasses and a sun visor. She told me that she was really interested in everything about me including my submissiveness, which matched well with her "kinks." She never disclosed what her kinks were exactly, but she said I'd have to find out for myself. Fun...intriguing I thought. She wanted a picture. I sent. She complimented; she said I was handsome. We continued our exchange and at some point she told me how much she enjoys my emails and my writing. RED FLAG. Again, as I did with all these women I said that I was happy to exchange a few emails but my goal was to have a casual meeting, somewhere mutually convenient just to see if we wanted to keep going. I asked her about meeting; she agreed. I send her a reply trying to work out the where and when, and she sends me one back saying she is going out of town for awhile...like a month, maybe more…well maybe it would be open ended! WTF?? She doesn't know what she wants in her life and she needs to get away to explore it! REALLY, WTF!? She didn't know she was confused, conflicted, in crisis whatever the fuck it is, about 3 weeks and over a dozen emails before? She moved to New England and sends me an email. Now, she is thinking about staying there for the next year or so! NOW, she tells me she went there because there is a guy there, about 20 years her junior, who she once had a fling with, who is now leaving HIS WIFE, and she (my correspondent the Kinkster) is going there to be with him! This is like a bad sit-com!

Dropout Woman - This one, again, like all the others was so impressed and intrigued by me, and the fact that I can string a sentence together. "It was like you expressed everything I felt and wanted in a relationship," she said. Again, like the others, an early on heads up from me that I didn't want to live behind a computer (because of exactly what was happening...i.e. a lot of writing, a lot of time spent giving of myself and then nothing). We did the usual "lots of intense initial exchanges" for the first week, and she tells me to call her. Great I thought. She gives me her phone number and tells me when to call. I call, hit voice mail. I leave a message and my number. Nothing. I write back telling her that I tried to call and I hope she got my message, and that I’d try again, same time that night. Ditto...no answer; I leave a message, no return, no email...nothing.

The others I'll sum by saying that one who was all hot and bothered lost interest once she saw my photo. No one likes rejection, but I'm not going to jump off the roof over that one...we all have images in mind and I wasn't hers. Then there were a couple who respond to everyone – they’ve written me before and I see them on the W4M on a weekly basis. They simply don't appeal to me (and apparently no one else either) and frankly they appear desperate for any man and that doesn't make me feel so special. One of them told me she thought she could get into being a Domme. I'm sure if I wrote that I wanted a sub she could get into that too. If I wanted someone who dug guys with a foot fetish I'm sure she'd work that out as well. She’s lonely, I’m sorry, I wish her well, but not with me. One or two were too young (or I was too old) but this is what I'm afraid is the all too typical online dating experience.

Don't suggest EHarmony.com, that guy just looks scary to me. Tomorrow night I have a first meeting with the last one to play itself out, and the only one to get to this point. I can only hope that we find each other physically attractive and can picture getting naked together and that our great email personalities hold up face to face. Otherwise…it’s back on the chain gang.

1 comment:

Grumpy said...

You might try not making any hints about your submission. I feel that a very large majority of women just don't respond sexually to it, and some have outright disdain for it. They respond favorably to the well written ad,and they like what they hear, yet it seems they still look for a certain amount of aggressiveness on your part. Otherwise they see you as soft and, well they don't seem to see that as sexy.

Good Luck.