The Search for Her and for Understanding Continues

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Underlying Kink

I once interviewed a famous yoga instructor and one of my questions had to do with the connection between the often simple, physical poses or asanas, and the emotional change that came out of assuming them. My example in the question was the premise that if one was depressed, they could exercise, or in this case do yoga and it could have a positive effect on mood. He talked about the power of various positions and movements and how the energy that is connected to our emotions works its way through our bodies in the poses. He talked about how often we reflect physically what we are feeling emotionally. For example, when depressed, we rarely walk with good upright posture and chest out, but usually we are closed, slightly hunched over with shoulders pinching inward. The reverse is true when we are feeling happy, strong, confident and carefree.

Of course the poses in yoga are deliberate and conscious and different poses bring about different physical, emotional and psychological results. That’s one reason that there are different yoga programs and poses for different times of the day and for different purposes, which aid us in everything from relaxation to energy.

I think that in a similar, and even deeper way, some of these dynamics are at play within the context of various “kinky” acts in the D/s dynamic – they are expressing complex subconscious feelings that are potentially quite profound. For example, women who are confident and commanding often carry themselves in a certain way. BDSM images often show women – often ample – in power poses with hands on hips and legs slightly spread. That stance can imply something bold and daring. Men, sometimes look exaggeratedly cowering by comparison. Other images suggest woman as feminine and striking, sometime nurturing yet dominant in poses standing over a man who is kneeling in front of her as she reaches down to caress his head or pull him into her, close to her. The men in some of these images are sometimes very masculine, muscular figures that allude to physical strength, but yet his position beneath her with head bowed down close to the life source, or looking up into her eyes, implies that he is getting his power from her.

It makes me wonder if underlying a true D/s dynamic there isn’t ultimately an implied acknowledgement that regardless of what a man is or achieves there is a maternal debt that will never be repaid. These are perhaps underlying, “meta” messages that may never rise above the subconscious. They are tied to the dichotomy of the female as both mother and lover. This isn’t to suggest anything overtly oedipal; after all, most of us have no literal sexual desire for our own mother! But if we were to try to break down and verbalize the underlying dynamics of what is going on in the “kink” -- where the woman stands over the man and they look into each other’s eyes and she sees the man get down and worship her literally at her feet -- there is, for some of us, a highly sexually arousing event that involves the, perhaps unspoken, covenant that he needs to be seen as succumbing to the ego surrender associated with accepting the fact that the dominant woman provides the potential of the guidance, nurturance and love that he got from his own mother, but now fully realized as an adult, including non-maternal, sexual implications and possibilities.

Males are pulled away from mothers in order to pursue the construct of the predominant male archetype. This pursuit is the antithesis of that relationship with the first woman. I think that part of the great turn on of finding a woman who is equally turned on and enthusiastic about her part in this particular kink, with its underlying dynamic, is that it allows the submissive man to let go of that archetype and acknowledge how much he longs for that which is feminine, which was withdrawn from most of us at such an early age.

As consenting, sexual adults these “meta” messages play themselves out in a way, which unlike as children with our mothers, where we explore this interdependence and the need for closeness with a woman in an erotic, sensual and sexual way. There is also eroticism and arousal in the privacy of having her, our dominant woman, know of this desire, which to the masculine, outside world is perceived as a weakness. In this way the submissive man is going into the realm of some of the greatest taboos within our sexual society. After all, the idea of that maternal nurturance, love and tenderness is relegated to a brief period of near total dependence associated with pre-birth, infancy and the early parts of childhood. It is outside the mother’s realm that the male learns everything from aggressiveness and the skills needed to compete, to the need to hide anything within himself that shows acknowledgement of dependence and vulnerability, which are traditionally seen as feminine traits and thus considered weaknesses in the patriarchal world. For reasons I am not clear on, there is also a turn on in the embarrassment we feel in revealing this need within ourselves, to a woman. Implicit in our vulnerability is acknowledgement of the woman’s power over us, which at once can be sexual, sensual and nurturing. This acknowledgement -- this covenant that outlines this intimacy and interdependence -- is the antithesis of what traditional masculine imagery does with regard to women: everything from the patronizing of the woman’s place to the assumed subservience that is still a part of the thinking of more traditional men, to in the worst cases, rape and violence against women.

To me it is something as simple as this “on my knees” kink, when done with the right woman within the context of a trusting, loving relationship, that works through many complex issues. And in spite of the unpopularity of acknowledging the sexual turn on, it is in fact that turn on that attracts many of us to want to make this expression.

Feminization of Submissive Men

Feminization of submissive men is a common theme in D/s and BDSM. It is heavily portrayed in femdomme and BDSM art, pornography and erotica. One of the recurring themes is the man who has his traditional male sexuality feminized out of him. In contrast the domme/woman, whether she is overtly interested in sex or not, maintains not only an image of virile sexuality, her sexuality contains the implication of dominance that the man lacks, which is traditionally masculine.


Male feminization often has a decidedly non-sexual suggestion to it. A common image is men dressed as maids, doing housework, and portrayed as being forced into a caricature of the traditional woman's role. Even within a sexual context, since the feminized man is seen as non-sexual in a male sense, this aspect of him has been marginalized or neutered away. He is systematically reduced to a eunuch, then the cuckold, forced to sit by and watch, often dressed in exaggerated "girl" costumes, commonly portrayed with a small penis which is controlled and negated in some chaste device, while well endowed, studly, masculine men have sex with the sub's domme, ironically with her often being dominated by her commanding male lover. The two (or more) of them flaunt their sexual activities, drawing painful contrast to the sub's impotence. The focus of humiliation and ridicule by a woman, groups of women, and often men is central in these scenes and fantasies. The sub's sexual participation is often reduced to her domme and lover's post coital "cleanup." The sub is often expected to take the passive or receiving female role in a homosexual encounter with the domme's lover - her "real" man. Attendant to these images are often masculine women and cruel vixens who the sub can now only covet without consummation with the ultimate message being that the domme disregards them sexually and dismisses them as men.

Personally I have never been attracted to feminization or any of the attendant scenes or roles, however I accept that they obviously have appeal to some, perhaps many. Normally I would be happy to view it as harmless fun between consenting adults, which within the context of fantasies and sexual play, it is.

The problem is that this image is so prolific in the D/s and BDSM world that it unfairly extends to many of us who want, or are open to, a submissive role with women but are not interested in, and in some cases flat out repulsed by, these characterizations. Outwardly and inwardly we become guilty by association. In the mainstream media, the vanilla world and even among many in the D/s and BDSM world, the feminization of men is arguably the most ridiculed and loathed image we have. Those among us who seek a S-D/s relationship clearly don't want to be associated with it. It can create guilt, confusion and self loathing for even having such desires that so many, often including those who fantasize about them, see as repulsive.

In the broader sense this image of feminization is a problem in society as a whole and a continued struggle in the post feminist age. In our still patriarchal society that which is feminine is still regarded as weak; that which is masculine is still regarded as strong. As long as these attributes stay within the confines of our collective expectations there isn't a problem, or an overt problem, but once they stray, there is a huge problem. As a side note I would suggest that it is especially timely right now as we are headed for presidential elections. The fact that Hillary Clinton is a woman is among the issues that challenge her. I won't turn this overtly political since that would take our attention elsewhere, but I'll sum it up by saying that as a society we pay token lip service to women. We put them on pedestals as long as they exhibit the attributes that we consider in line with our images of femininity. These include the ideals of physical beauty, virginity and loyalty, respect, obedience, nurturance, selflessness, and a certain feminine strength that is less physical and more focused on duty to home and family. Once women divert from this image, we have problems. We still have the age old tension and conflict between the admired mother and the reviled yet desired whore. We still have a sense of the wife/woman as possession.

Two deviations threaten the model. One shatters the illusion of the female image we have created and has been knocking women off that pedestal for years, sadly at times to devastating ends. The other deviation is even more threatening in a patriarchal society:

One is when the woman takes on the attributes of men; the other is when the attributes we have placed on women are present in men.

We hate weakness outside of its feminine context. Thus the most loathsome thing in our society in this regard is feminization of the masculine, of men. It speaks to the assumed weakness of the feminine and underlying fear we have as a collective consciousness.

For example, in spite of whatever progress has been made in pop culture and society, homophobia is still a big problem. Since as a society we pay token homage to the mother, as long as she fits the construct we have created, the underlying message is that as men, we can only go so far to affiliate ourselves with women in this context. From the "mamma's boy," to "the sissy," to the "henpecked, pussy whipped, husband," we have nothing but disdain for such men. We draw a straight line to the conclusion that men who don't take on the traditional role with women - that of boss, the physically stronger, the decision maker, bread winner, leader, provider, and ultimate authority - are weak, thus feminine, thus hated and ridiculed, possibly feared underneath it all.

The flip side of this is the attachment of masculine traits to dominance in women. Within the femdomme and BDSM culture the masculine woman is the antithesis of the feminized man. Why is it that a woman has to take on the attributes of men to convey her wisdom, power, command, and dominance? I would suggest that it does us all an equal disservice. Although the image to the vanilla world of such women may be less reviled than that of feminized men, it is none the less disliked, ridiculed and often hated. When isn't their a rumor mill about any powerful woman that she is either "a bitch," or "a lesbian," or she "hates men?" In many ways it is an even worse trap for them. The options are to become this kind of woman, or they remain or reveal themselves to be weak and unable to lead when the first signs of vulnerability arise. A recent online article, the source of which I apologize for having forgotten, told of survey results that show that within the public and political world, we are more accepting of powerful men who shed the occasional tear than we are with women making similar public displays. It is now finally seen as compassion when a man shows some kind of public emotion and we can empathize with him and admire him, yet when women do it it is either seen as weak or insincere manipulation. On the one hand this is good news for men (as long as their display is minimal and rare) but a step backwards for women.

The larger point is that we still think in base literal and symbolic terms of physical strength as the ultimate guiding principle of power. Of course it is intellectualized and displayed nationalistically in our strength as a nation in times of war; it can be synthesized into a symbolic strength represented by money, power and position, but they are all extensions of our fear, at times obfuscated as admiration and ultimately our submission to one more powerful than we...and we still expect it to be a masculine image. Does the threat of violence keep everyone in line? If so, how do we break this image and cycle so that we might emerge to create a society that isn't based on response to the ever present threat of violence, but one that is based in wisdom and compassion? Whenever our decisions are made and their subsequent actions taken based on greed, self interest, unbridled desire or fear, we run the risk of failure. Just look at our country and the current state of our political world as an example of this.


Both genders appear to be hopelessly stuck. How do we separate the idea that strength and dominance is masculine and that vulnerability and submission is feminine? Or, short of that, how do we let go of the stereotypes and negative meta messages that are attached to them. How do we get to a place where women can be commanding, dominant and in charge without always being seen as "masculine" or "trying to be like men," and men can be vulnerable and open to a world where they can be submissive without being weak, "like a woman" and assumed to be latently gay?

Once we can start to overcome this in a way that has something approaching societal acceptance and approval, more men will be willing and eager to follow their often ignored instincts and desires to be vulnerable, and open up the submissiveness within their nature. Women can begin to take the reigns more in relationships without feeling like their men are pathetic, weak, deserving of ridicule, or they themselves are going to be seen as masculine or bitches and experience their own sense of humiliation because they recognize their desire and ability to flourish in their leadership which is now still outside of mainstream acceptability.

I recognize that a lot of the images I have described are based on cliches and fantasies and that there are no doubt plenty of S-D/s relationships that don't have this dynamic. I aspire to one myself. But as long as the loathsome images of submissive men as emasculated, feminized sources of extreme ridicule and humiliation exist, there will be untold numbers of men who may well keep their longings for a non feminized submission to themselves because in the end, guilt by association is powerful. No one wants to risk unwanted humiliation and loss of self esteem because we are mistakenly placed in a category to which don't completely belong.

Control Through Loss - Loss Through Control

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