Sunday, August 5, 2012

The Search for Her and for Understanding Continues

After a very long hiatus, I return. I am still looking for the perfect relationship with the right woman; one that will allow me to express sensual submission to a woman who feels turned on and connected to that.

It’s interesting to revisit my words so long after I wrote them. In general, I still feel that they are valid for me. What may have changed is that I have adjusted what I seek. I still see most of my submissive tendencies and desires tied up in sexuality and specific “kinks.” I still don’t see myself being into humiliation, but my fantasies have expanded to include what I can only accept as some aspects of humiliation. The great thing about fantasy is that we control them. I wonder if there have been studies done to see which is preferred—the fantasy or reality—in those who have played out their fantasies in real life. In my case they were things I would have never imagined being turned on by and my mind was opened by things that I read. I may share the specifics in upcoming entries.

For now though, I’ll just say that my desires still revolve around vulnerability and finding a woman to whom I can entrust with them. To be naked before her, literally and figuratively. The concept of naked man, clothed woman is certainly not new. Also as important is the feeling of satisfaction I get from thinking that I have pleased her.

I still believe the key is to find a woman with whom to create a world that is outside the confines of traditional BDSM and D/s relationships. Instead of concerning ourselves with whether or not it is true submission, just sexual kink, topping from the bottom, or what have you, concentrating on finding that one woman who is turned on by having done and doing the things I am turned on by doing and having done is the focus. Complementary kinks override the strict, preconceived notions of what a relationship is supposed to be like with a dominant woman and a submissive man.

Whispered suggestions can get the heart racing with excitement and eagerness to please, as opposed to coarse commands. Feeling like we are mutually connected in a deep emotional, psychological way will always trump “scenes” or “play” as it is so often described in BDSM community web sites.

Over these last few years I’ve made my runs at connecting with a community in the hope of meeting the right woman for me. My lack of success leads me to believe that I am either too far outside of the BDSM mainstream of sites like or or I simply am too shy or not motivated enough to put in the time to going to lots of events and trying to meet someone. I have gone to some munches and other gatherings and find that there simply aren’t that many women there who appeal to me and I’ve found it hard to connect with people. I am not hardcore or deep into the local community and scene. I don’t want to be a known person in that way. My kinks and desires are no doubt garden variety compared to so many of those folks who really define themselves by their involvement in BDSM; I do not. And of course there is always the problem of there being a lot more submissive men than dominant women, just as there appears to be a lot of submissive women, although there seems to be a better ratio of submissive women to dominant men.

Things are further complicated for me because I am probably more realistically a switch. That said, I can still see a dominant role that I might take on as a submissive gesture to a woman who wants it. Again, I am doing to please her, which pleases me and turns me on. In my mind she would still be in control if we switch roles so that she might explore her own submissive side or simply feel the desire to not be cast in a dominant role all the time. I think it’s about exploring all aspects of the shadow side, which may simply include deep eroticism that may be divorced from dominance or submission or completely fueled by it according to what is in our minds.

Submissive men are the outsiders. As with gay men, anything perceived as weakness in men becomes a source of alienation by the mainstream. It is hard to reconcile and have others understand that submission to a woman, especially sexual submission, desires to please her, exploration of the man’s vulnerabilities, embracing the eroticism that some strong yet feminine women exude doesn’t make the man latently gay or even weak. And it certainly doesn’t mean that such explorations and activities automatically continue outside of a private sexual context. Trying to engage vanilla women is even trickier. OKCupid has a bunch of questions that can be answered, including some that ask for inclinations in the realm of kink and fetishes, dominance and submission, what kinds of acts people find acceptable, and how open they are sexually in general. They ask questions like:

• Which would you prefer your partner to be: dominant, submissive, balanced?
• Do you have a fetish you want to engage in?
• Do you want to be in control or do you want your partner to take control?
• Would you rather be tied up, do the tying or avoid bondage all together?
• Would you let your partner put a dildo inside you?
• Do you want your partner to be kinkier than you?
• Do you know what BDSM stands for?

I love looking at women’s responses to these and other similar questions. It shouldn’t be a surprise that among those women who answer these questions, most are either neutral (not interested in such pursuits) or more submissive. Even when you find someone who comes across as more dominant, it isn’t exactly a natural way to approach someone with a first email telling her that I was inspired to write because she seemed sexually dominant. We have to play the game that we aren’t really interested in sex, and the chances of connecting are better with a comment about how many books you’ve read in common or “how cool is it that we both love Thai food?”

So the search continues as well as the internal search for an understanding of what these kinks and desires really mean and how we come to desire them. I’m reminded of a documentary I saw some years ago: Trembling Before G-d. It is about Jewish orthodox and Hassidic gay men and women. There is a scene where a gay man is recounting a conversation he had about his homosexuality with a very straight, very old, old school rabbi. Interestingly, the rabbi—for all the wisdom one comes to associate with religious leaders who congregants go to for life advice—was completely baffled when this gay man told him what gay men do. It was as if the rabbi had never heard of such a thing as oral sex. The gay man recounted how the rabbi was trying to wrap his head around why a man would want to take another man’s penis into his mouth. Finally, the rabbi came up with a phrase, which for the life of me I can’t recall (and wish I could), but he said the phrase and defined it as an illogical, irrational, inexplicable desire. Basically you just want to do it because you want to do it. It feels good or turns you one because it does.

Perhaps it’s just the way we are wired. When I think of my submissive desires—acts, kinks, needs and wants with women who connect with them in a complementary way—I think that term must apply. I should stop pondering and just accept, but I can’t. I want to understand myself and I feel certain that there is something underlying, something deeper going on that drives me, and others who feel similarly, to want what we want, to express ourselves the way are driven to.

No comments: