Embarrassment Versus Humiliation

I have been trying to understand the appeal of humiliation. It is part of many D/s relationships and online D/s and BDSM is full of stories of various types of humiliation, from "scenes," to humiliation as part of an ongoing lifestyle dynamic.

I recently found a humiliation scene from a Youtube video on a blog which shows a man wearing a little girl's dress, without makeup or wig, going into McDonalds and sitting down in eyeshot of a table of vanilla women who we see stare and snicker at him. Then we see a hamburger on the floor, a high heeled foot step on it, squishing it into the dirty floor, and then the man gets down on all fours and proceeds to eat it. As this is happening the camera cuts to the group of women who are now leaving and stop to watch and laugh at him on their way out. Obviously I don't know if this is real, staged or what, but it is a perfect demonstration of the humiliation often present in D/s relationships.

There is tons of art depicting D/s acts of humiliation, more often than not, with a female "D" and a male "s." The men are not always emasculated, but almost always shown as the subject of exposure, ridicule, and humiliation, often either as pets, on display for others, or looking like they are being forcibly raped or made to perform various sexual acts. The women are often overweight, at times vixens, often pictured as cold or callous, often made to appear nonchalant regarding say, the naked man they have standing in attendance with a leash around his penis as she casually chats with an equally nonchalant girl friend. The message it sends is that men don't matter. That they exist for service and humiliation and that they are interchangeable and as disposable as batteries...or dildos. It also sends the message that dominant women are self centered, uncaring, at times callous to the point of cruelty. To me it isn't a pretty picture for either, nor is it the poster image for S-D/s relationships.

I have no idea what the turn on is in this. I don't know why people, in this case men, would be excited by this level of humiliation or what women find admirable or enjoyable about humiliating them or the way they themselves come across in this regard. I do however accept that for some, possibly many, there is something in it for them. I wonder about the health of it though.

I have always been of the opinion that whenever people engage in what is generally considered unhealthy activities, there is something in it for them. Whether it is a woman who stays in a relationship that is physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually abusive, to people who would eagerly submit to all manner of degradation, the "victim" or object of the abuse is clearly getting something out of it, perhaps as much or more than their tormentor/perpetrator. Although there are those who would no doubt disagree with me and defend what I might consider unhealthy relationships and dynamics as being perfectly acceptable, I have a hard time buying into it. I think that there is something else that healthy people can engage in that doesn't degrade at a level of self esteem debasement.

There is embarrassment. At first thought you might think that humiliation and embarrassment are the same, but I would argue that there are several differences. Humiliation may be embarrassing, but embarrassment isn't always humiliating. For one thing a person can be embarrassed on their own without the involvement of others. For example, tripping over one's own feet may be embarrassing, but it isn't humiliating in any kind of degrading way. A story of an embarrassing moment might be told to a group of friends, but it doesn't call the person's core self image or character into question necessarily. Humiliation, especially in the D/s and BDSM sense, is often about a conscious and deliberate act of saying things, doing things and demanding things of the submissive or slave that are specifically made to humiliate them, and may indeed cut to a core level. It often involves or requires exhibitionism and exposure to others to bring about humiliation. The degradation may reinforce existing beliefs in ones lack of value or self worth or worse. There is always the possibility that the object is somehow emotionally healthy and the humiliation and degradation is not doing any kind of emotional or psychological damage, but in such cases I would wonder what the appeal would be. In the mental health arena people define mental health problems as anything that gets in the way of leading a productive, happy life or conversely, anything that impedes productivity and happiness is unhealthy. Based on this, in the case of humiliation and degradation, only the individual can know or say for sure as to whether or not it is healthy.

Embarrassment on the other hand has a much healthier potential. In her book, Sexual Power for Women, Georgeann Cross goes into depth regarding why embarrassment of her lovers works as such a compelling aphrodisiac. Although I am not necessarily endorsing all of her methods, the overall value and power of what she calls the Loop is intriguing as a way for women to take control of their relationship through sexuality which creates deep intimacy and passion.

Many "dommes" are dismissive of men who only want to submit sexually. To them sexual submission on the part of men is always self-centered, about their (the submissives) needs, and something to be regarded as sexual kink rather than true submission. I am not sure whether it is those domme's lack of imagination or a lack of genuine enjoyment of sex that is responsible for their response, but I would propose that when a man is interested in submitting sexually - whether it is a kink, or "bottoming from the top," as is so often the accusation - to ignore this and thus his needs is to ignore a great mutual opportunity for both to get their needs met both in bed and out.

In Cross's book embarrassment is the key element in turning otherwise vanilla lovers into her love or sex slaves. Her point of view is refreshingly compassionate and based in the understanding that she wants the best for both her and her partner and that she, along with women in general, are best suited to know what is best for their men and their relationship. By creating a power dynamic where both she and her partner are aware of the fact that he is turned on by his own sexual embarrassment, which she is controlling and creating, she has taken ownership of the relationship. In a pure sense, a love or sex slave isn't the same as a submissive, but with her prescription you have the potential for the best of both worlds and all without potentially unhealthy humiliation. And she has the world's simplest barometer of success, the one thing a man can't fake or dismiss - his arousal. Barring medical ED problems of course, she knows at a glance if her tactics are working. He is embarrassed by such obvious and uncontrollable exposure and as a result of that embarrassment, he becomes even more sexually aroused.

Unless the domme is simply not interested in sex, in which case she is looking for a non sexual submissive to serve her in other ways, she has sexual control which is the key to virtually any kind of control she wants. In some ways it goes back to an old feminist era philosophy of sex as weapon or bargaining chip, but in this case it lacks the potential antagonism that withholding implies. She has gotten the man's "buy in" to be her sex or love slave and part of that understanding is that she is in control. Since she has proven that he is turned on by his own embarrassment, which she instigates and perpetuates and thus for which she is required, her control can extend to areas outside of bed. The result: everyone gets their needs met. No one feels humiliated. Both are appreciated and needed for their equal value in the power exchange of the relationship and there is an ongoing, foolproof, simple way to see that the system is still working.

Healthy sexual embarrassment as opposed to potentially unhealthy humiliation and degradation. The foundation for another kind of dynamic, which for those of us interested in S-D/s, may be a perfect manifesto for fulfillment.